this movie has bled to death

Watched Twilight, thanks to a friend’s gift of a cinema pass. And was I glad I didn’t cough up more than a hundred pesos for this piece of crap.

Okay, so maybe I’m being too harsh, and anyway, I’m not included in the movie’s target audience (i.e. “16-year-old girls and their grandmothers,” according to Roger Ebert, because “[t]heir mothers know all too much about boys like this”). But see, my sister who has read (and loved) the book hated the movie adaptation. So there.

Movie bored the hell out of me. Twilight itself seem to have been bitten by a vampire – the scenery is lush and green and alive, but everything else (dialogue, characters, plot) seems sucked dry and dead. Thank goodness for the grass, right? And the flowers, and the sunset.

Lifeless. And lame. The jokes are unfunny and awkward. The story feels choppy, too. There seems to be no progression, no flow, just a jump from one scene to another, a rehash of the book’s dialogues that are awkward to begin with (The word “irrevocably” sticks out. And what to do with the lines “Your hands are pale-white and ice-cold” and “You are my life now” ?). The Cullens look more anemic (throw them some white gloves and they’re mime actors) than otherworldly. Baseball game, cheesy. Even cheesier confrontation between the Cullens and the three outsiders (The CUs of the eyes reminded me of the card game scene in The Parent Trap).

The fight scenes/tearjerker scenes didn’t make me feel anything because nothing felt to be at stake.

And god, what a school. If I were Bella I’d be scared of what I got myself into. The students seem brain-damaged. (“Look, Bella, it’s a worm, it’s a wooooooorm.”) The one teacher that is shown is over-the-top-cheery and hence, annoying. Now, don’t tell me that’s the point. Okay, I get it, let’s highlight Bella’s alienation but come on. Boring, even small-town-boring (and over-the-top-cheery) can be presented in entertaining ways (wit wit wit) – this is Hollywood!

Yes, wit. I came into the cinema hoping for at least a small amount of wit (knowing I won’t buy the supposedly kilig scenes) and didn’t get any. The conversations feel forced for some reason. (The “You’re an independent woman” bit made me cringe.) The running gag on the pepper spray elicited a few chuckles from me (mainly because there’s a father accompanying his daughter in my row and he’s laughing like there’s no tomorrow – cute and he reminded me of my father and i love et) but that’s about it.

Forks (or wherever this movie was shot) appears to be such a gorgeous place. The movie could have been more stylish, more (say it) artistic.

But then, Twilight doesn’t exactly want to go in that direction, does it. The movie, with its use of songs by Muse and Radiohead, and the cars and Edward Cullen in cool shades, wants to be hip. It doesn’t quite get there, either.

A shame.

Photo Credit: LATimes.com